Bicyclist privilege is being able to organize bike races that go right by my apartment. This morning hordes of bicycles flew by my window. I was so terrified that I literally hid under my bed for a good twenty minutes. Then I called the police only to be informed that there was a bike race scheduled for today and that “this is not an emergency”. Way to take the feelings of people seriously, 911.
How the hell can anyone say there isn’t institutionalized privilege of bicyclists when they’re allowed to gather in large numbers outside the place I live. Their very presence IS oppression.
A friend of mine is enrolled in a social justice class at our university and I just learned that the topics branch far beyond women’s rights (as the class’ title claims). Apparently it covers what it considers to be all social justice issues, including race, weight, gender identity, and mental health.
But of course transportation orientation discrimination is suspiciously absent. I plan to fight this injustice by bursting into the class in the near future and causing a scene of justice. I need your help to do this. Give me ideas on what to do and I’ll post the results.
The plight of pedestrian-Americans will not be ignored.
The following is a bit of a long, but very important read. Be sure to spread this story of heroism with all who believe in justice.
This is a true story of something that happened just a few days ago at the gym I go to.
There was a cycling class instructor there who was a deeply committed bicyclist. His primary goal for one required class (the gym was weird and made you take classes) was to spend the entire class attempting to prove that bicycling was superior to walking.
His students were always afraid to argue with him because of his impeccable quads. For twenty years, he had taught this class and no one had ever had the courage to go against him.
Sure, some had fought back in class at times, but no one had ever really gone against him because of his reputation. At the end of every semester on the last day, he would say to his class of 300 students (it’s a big gym), “If there is anyone here who still believes in walking, stand up!”
In twenty years, no one had ever stood up. They knew what he was going to do next. He would say, “Because anyone who believes in walking is a fool.
If walking worked, you would be able to walk over here and stop me from breaking this walking stick. But you can’t, because bicycles are superior”
And every year, he would drop the walking stick onto the tile floor of the gym and it would snap in half. All of the students would do nothing but stop and stare. Most of the students thought that walking couldn’t be an acceptable lifestyle. Certainly, a number of Pedestrian-Americans had slipped through, but for 20 years, they had been too afraid to stand up.
Well, a few days ago I enrolled in the class. I’m a proud Pedestrian-American, and had heard the stories about his instructor. I wasn’t required to take the class; I didn’t even belong to the gym. But I had run out of material for this blog, and realized I needed to stir up controversy and create offensiveness in order to keep posting, so I took the class.
Nothing the instructor says could convince me bicycling is healthy…I hoped. I attended class daily and lost 15 pounds, but I refused to be swayed by the “virtues” of bicycling. Finally, the day came. The instructor said, “If there is anyone here who still believes in walking, stand up!” The professor and the class of 300 people looked at him, shocked, as I stood up at the back of the room.
The professor shouted, “You FOOL!!! If walking worked, you’d be able to stop me from breaking this walking stick!”
He attempted to snap the stick, but as he did, I stood up, walked over to him and punched him square upside his head. This made him drop the stick, causing it to hit the ground, and simply roll away unbroken. The professor’s jaw dropped as my fist followed through with the punch (good form is important). He looked up at me, then tried to bicycle out of the room. However, the bikes are all mounted to floor there and he got nowhere, showing the futility of bicycling.
The class laughed at him mercilessly, while I stood at the front of the class, teaching the virtues of walking and how the importance of social justice justifies my punch because as an oppressed class, I can only be the victim by oppressors such as the instructor.
Bicyclist privilege is having the police take your actions seriously. I completely ignored a stop sign on foot and yet I’ve seen bicyclists get pulled over for police for the same actions. Clearly society does not view Pedestrian-Americans as being capable of following the law.
A beautiful example of the cyclarchy backfiring. All the propaganda of bicyclists being superior to Pedestrian-Americans has led to this. They feel that they must be responsible for our safety because they’re “better” than us. We aren’t considered equals, and must be protected.
Make no mistake folks, this is an example of the oppression that bicyclists have institutionalized in our society. I guess it’s “the bike man’s burden”.
So I haven’t posted anything in the past few months, and there’s a good reason for that: I was on a crusade.
I went to Washington D.C. in order to fight the oppression against Pedestrian-Americans on a federal level. For too long our national government has shown favoritism toward the cyclarchy. Readers of this blog will know that even the President himself has taken pictures riding a bicycle.
So I did what any true social justice warrior would do; I created a scheme to end the oppression. I began by finding congressmen who were naturally opposed to the president and his policies in general. Then, I used a scapegoat policy -it was something about healthcare for everyone- in order to get tension brewing.
Then I engaged the final step of my plan: I shut down the United States government.
Pedestrian-American have finally had a victory we could feel. With no federal government, soon that Nazi organization known as the National Center for Health Statistics that tells people that bicycling is “healthy” would have to shut down.
It would have worked too, except the Republicans figured out that I was using them and agreed to compromise with the president.
Oh well, back to the 2nd most effective form of political activism, posting on tumblr.
"Another day, another hapless Person of Non-Cyclist Transportation Orientation brutally oppressed by the foot, er, wheelsoldiers of the cyclarchy.
Meanwhile on reddit, a lone social justice activist tries to take a stand:
I’m going to try and do some education here. Yes, technically she was “driving on the wrong side of the road”, but more important than that is to notice the dynamics of power and privilege in this situation. She is a member of an oppressed minority, automotive americans. Growing up in a bicyclist supremacist society, she has been forced to internalize the systemic societal hatred of automotive americans and the stereotypes of them as lazy, “fat” (problematic term obviously - intersectionality with thin privilege here), wasteful and selfish, and the message that the very act of expressing her transportation orientation poses a bodily danger to her societal betters. And when the programming finally wears her down and she does what she’s been conditioned to believe “her kind” must do and commits a minor traffic violation, where do we look for the cause? In the society-wide oppressive system of cyclarchy? Of course not, this is reddit, we laugh with the bikebro as he makes full use of his privilege to shame and silence her FOR FUCKING EXISTING AND DARING TO NOT RIDE A BICYCLE. I mean what the fuck? Fuck education. Sometimes with you people, I can’t, I just fucking can’t”
Another act of heroism on the most important frontier for social justice - anonymous website posts.
Bicyclist privilege is having the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES display proudly that he is a member of your transportation-orientation. He’s serving as a constant reminder to us pedestrian-Americans that we have absolutely no political power in the government. The oppressor class showing off once again folks…